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  • Writer's pictureVeronica R. Wells

Should You Text Him First?

I saw this image on Instagram one day and I immediately bristled. Texting a man first just seems a bit like possibly setting yourself up for failure. I identify as a feminist and believe in equality of the sexes but on this one, I’ll probably just have to be a hypocrite or a “bad feminist’ in the words of Roxane Gay. Because I’ve seen how women get played to the absolute left doing too much, too soon with men whose feelings aren’t mutual. Getting played is one of my worst fears. It’s happened before and I’d like greatly to avoid it in the near future. Really, there’s no way that you can prevent these type of things from happening. But there are safeguards put in place and one of them is gauging a man’s interest in you. And from my experience, a man simply asking for your number is not enough. I’m not exactly sure but I do believe I’ve given my number to people who I’ve never heard from again. A lot of men collect numbers for sport. So a good way to determine someone’s interest is the follow up.

Honestly, I don’t feel like a follow up text is too much to ask. And I will assume a man who doesn’t follow up is not sufficiently interested. So that’s a no for me dawg, [generally] I’m not going to text first until I have some type of indication that my flirtations, my advances would be well received. Furthermore, the fact that this person even has my number is more than enough of an indication that I’m willing to at least have a conversation. Anyway, I wanted to see what other people thought about this topic so I posted this picture on my Facebook page and captioned it:

LADIES, if I could have your thoughts on this picture they would be greatly appreciated. I'll share mine after I get a few responses.

Ashley: You don't have to second guess it. If you're interested you'll text first/last/back to back without either of you thinking about it.

Blaque: Naaah, i been thru too much BS. And im not chasin anything but money. I shut him down for like 3-4 mos. He wz VERY persistent. He showed/kept showin interest. Kept showin initiative til it got on my nerves & i said ok... "WTH u want"? Lol

Donni: I would. Especially if it's someone that I've never dealt with. A simple hi doesn't hurt anything. I don't think it makes you look desperate or anything. Now what happens after the "hi" is different. I won't be initiating every conversation though. Lol. I used to think that the guy should initiate things (everything), but times have changed. I think you have to have a certain type of confidence to do things nowadays.

Mariah: I don't see anything wrong with texting first, just don't let it become habit. As long as both are showing interest and effort, what's the big deal?

Desiree: I met my husband at a graduation party we didn't exchange numbers...I found him on twitter and I slid in the dms. Yes. If you see something good then say something. It's not a chase in my opinion. It's letting someone know your interested.

Caron: If you want it, get it…A text is not pursuit. It is merely a signal. Whether or not he responds and how he does so determines the decision or whether or not it's worth your time.

Shauna: Nothing wrong with texting first! It's just a text. Say what's up!!

Lavada: There's so many possible factors as to why it may not be a good idea as well why it's okay, you have to ask the question why should I and why shouldn't I example the pros and cons of reaching out, then ask yourself if your ready for the possible responses to no response. I'm referring to you’re mental state of mind.

Traci: Some men are actually worth pursuing ... living witness.

Me: I agree with a few things said here, mostly my cousin Mariah. I'm not saying I'll never reach out first because I have and the attempt was relatively successful. In most dating situations though I like to see how interested a man is first. Generally that means a man texting first. But once that's been established I don't mind initiating anything. I'm big on reciprocity. My worst fear is being played. And this speaks to what my Aunt mentioned about being in the right mindset and mature enough to accept even the rejection or lack of response and I'm not sure I've EVER been there--which is a double standard because men deal with a lot of rejection. But that's where I'm at wit it--gauge the situation and don't play myself by doing too much when I haven't seen that he would do the same.

Thea: All depends on the situation.

Image via Instagram


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