After Ivy talked about her polyamorous relationship, I asked her if she still kept in touch with the woman she was sleeping with, Denise. The answer led into an entirely different story about how her boyfriend--who she reunited with when the polyamorous relationship ended--tried to use her past to shame her.
If you did not read the first part of this story, be sure to do so here.
Do you still keep in touch with Denise?
Not as much. We actually went on a vacation together.
And that’s a whole other long story that got to my ex. That’s when it really got bad. He kept saying, ‘You’re going with your ex-girlfriend.’ And I was like, ‘It’s not like that.’ Because, again, we had never been by ourselves. My communication with Denise was very minimal but because of that trip, it was so much going on. And my ex talked to her because I wanted him to be okay with it. But it turned out really badly. To the point where I didn’t know if I could go on the trip. Then I asked Denise right before we left, ‘Can you just not go? I’ll give you all the money for the flight, the change fee, the hotels, the tours. I will give you this money back.’ And she was like, ‘No, I’m going anyway.’
It was a bad moment because I shouldn’t have asked her to go in the first place.
So, what was this trip about?
I was going with a girl that I had just met to Senegal. Then Denise happened to text me randomly saying, ‘Can I take you to brunch? I want to pick your brain about travel stuff.’ I hadn’t seen her in a while at this point because this is like a couple of years later. But we would see each other every now and then and still hang out. So I was like, ‘Ok cool.’ However, when my ex was around, I would not. I had to change her name in my phone. I couldn’t talk to her.
My ex used to disappear on me. He would get upset and just not talk to me for a week at a time. So when he did that, the time that Denise happened to text me, it was one of those silent periods. I wasn’t even thinking about him. If he was still talking to me, I would have been like, ‘Girl, no. We ain’t going to brunch because I don’t want to deal with no shit.’ But when she reached out, I ended up going. We talked about the Senegal trip and something just said, ‘Oh you should come!’ And as soon as I said it, I was like, ‘Dammit! I wish I didn’t say that!’ And the next thing you know she booked her ticket. She was on it!
So we were trying to figure it out. Before the trip, both my boyfriend and Denise said, ‘Why don’t we just talk to each other so we can feel more comfortable.’ Both of them said it, so I was like ‘That’s a good idea.’ It was a horrible idea. Horrible. But I thought he would understand that we didn’t have a relationship separately, we were never together by ourselves, it’s never like that. We haven’t been out and like kissed and shit. That’s never been the deal.
So they talked and instead of talking about our relationship, me and her, he starts asking about the dude.
‘Has she ever sucked his dick?’
‘Where were you on this weekend?’
Because there was one weekend I hung out with them when me and my boyfriend were in the process of getting back together but I lied and told him I was somewhere else.
So he wanted to fact-check.
He was fact-checking.
Before their conversation, I told her ‘Don’t lie about anything. If you don’t remember, just say you don’t remember. Don’t lie and say something because then there’s nothing I can say.’
There was plenty of lying on my part. I had to. But I told her, ‘Whatever you do, just don’t lie. Just say you don’t remember and it’s okay to say you don’t remember because it’s been two years.’
So he asked, ‘Well how many times have you guys had a threesome?’
She said, ‘Two times.’
I had already told him that this was six months worth so he knows damn well it wasn’t no damn two times. So it made it worse.
Do you think she forgot? Why did she say that?
I think she thought she was helping me out. But it’s like, ma’am.
Don’t lie! She didn’t know what you’d already said to him.
Since it made it worse, that’s when it came to the point where I was like, ‘Can I just give you this money?’ She said she was going anyway.
So after that, things were still awkward. He was just not going to get over it.
In the process of him finding out all this information, he became very aggressive. His personality completely changed. I’ve known him since I was 14-years-old. Never had a bone in his body where I ever felt he would hit me. Girl, he was throwing plates in my house one day. I was literally about to call the police. He threatened to kill my dog.
Was it depression?
I think it was a depression and I think it was bad timing for him to find out all these things about me.
It probably made him feel inadequate.
I think he already felt bad because he didn’t have a job, he didn’t have a career. His family didn’t really care. They just wanted him to be a doctor by any means necessary. He was just going through a bad period in his life.
You asked me originally why we broke up, this is really why.
In 2016, he just couldn’t get over it still and he blocked me from everything. He claimed I was a horrible person and I lied to him. He claims that I cheated on him with them but there was never a point of cheating. Anytime we weren’t together, I probably was with them but…
You weren’t together.
I told him, ‘We weren’t together. That’s what it was.’
He couldn’t take it.
He could not. And he was also going to therapy at the time and the therapist told him to stop talking to me. At first, I was insulted. ‘Why is she telling you to stop talking to me? You’re the one who has the problem. You’re the one who broke up with me and now you’re upset because you found out something.’ But then I realized it’s not that they believe you’re a bad person. If I make him feel a certain way then he doesn’t need to be around me.
But the breakup was random.
So, we were still arguing every once in a while and accuse each other--because around that time, I found out he was with other girls. I talked to one of the girls. So we would accuse each other.
But I looked at our last conversation to see what happened. We argued a little bit but the end tone was, ‘Ok, I love you.’ That was him. That was the end of the conversation. Next thing you know, three days later I’m like, ‘Oh I haven’t talked to him.’ Call him. Text him. Nothing.
Here we are a year later.
He blocked me from everything. I hit him up for his birthday, I hit him up for Christmas.
Ooo...That’s ok though.
It is. It’s a blessing because I wasn’t strong enough to break it off. I think for both of us, we had been together for so long that we felt like we couldn’t be apart. We felt like we had invested so much time together. We felt like we were just throwing it away. I didn’t have the courage to do it.
So you don’t know how he’s doing now?
I don’t. I assume he’s ok. His niece reaches out to me frequently. The rest of his family probably hates me because God knows what he told them. He did tell his mother about the threesome stuff. He also threatened to tell my mother. Which was interesting.
Oh, really?! How do you think your mother would respond to that?
Oh my gosh, she would have a fit! She’s very much old school. She would be upset, for sure. Just because that’s how she is. I have a cousin who’s a lesbian and she’s always talking about her. So I feel like she would turn it into, ‘You’re bisexual, you’re a lesbian.’ She would turn it into a bigger thing.
My dad? He could have told my dad all day and I wouldn’t have cared.
So he called my mom before the Senegal trip and he was like, ‘I’m just really frustrated…”
He was probably losing his mind.
I mean, clearly. He called my mom! He tells her, ‘She’s going to Senegal with someone she used to date.’ Then my mom calls me, ‘Who are you going to Senegal with? You’re not telling me something. You’re going with some man.’ It’s interesting because…
She has no idea.
She says, ‘You’re going with some man. And you need to tell me who you’re going to Africa with because that is a long way and I need to know.’ I’m like, ‘Calm down. I’m not going with anybody else. I’m going with the girl I told you,’ which was the original girl that I was going with.
So he just threatened to tell her. I’m glad that he didn’t.
I mean, I would have gotten over it and she would have too but...
It’s a violation!
Even if I considered myself bisexual, I would never tell my mom, ‘Yeah, I had a threesome with a dude.’ First of all, I don’t talk about sex with my mom. I don’t like her in my business, period. I’m not one of those girls. I know there’s plenty of girls who feel comfortable doing that, I don’t with my mother. And especially, I’m not going to tell her anything outside of the “norm.” I would never have that conversation.
So yeah, it just got out of hand. Even though I had a good time in that relationship, it spiraled out a lot of other things. A lot of other things came from that. I feel like the timing was off but things happen for a reason at the time that they do. And I can always remember this is what I did.